how do relationships work?

Most people enter into relationships with an eye toward what they can get out of them, rather than what they can put into them.

The purpose of a relationship is to decide what part of yourself you'd like to see "show up," not what part of another you can capture and hold.

-- Neale Donald Walsch --

I had the most interesting conversation the other day about a couple I know. They have been married twenty-one years. They have three children and seem as happy and in love today as they did over thirty years ago, when they first got together. My friend said they really seemed to belong together and asked if I knew how they did it. I couldn't really answer her question, but it got me to thinking about this book I read a while back about relationships. It is by Neale Donald Walsh. He says...

“When our reason for relationships is aligned with our soul's reason for being, not only are our relationships understood to be sacred, they are rendered joyful as well."

According to him, a great relationship is one of truth-telling. He says there are five levels 1) you tell the truth about yourself; 2) you tell the truth to yourself about another; 3) you tell the truth about another to yourself; and 4) when you tell the truth about another to that other; 5) you tell the truth to everyone about everything. He also says relationships fail because people enter into them for the wrong reasons; that the only way a relationship can work is for both parties "to agree, consciously, that the purpose of their relationship is to create an opportunity for growth, for full self-expression, for lifting each others lives to their highest potential, for healing every false thought or small idea each has ever had about themselves, and for ultimate reunion with GOD through the communion of their two souls"

are you into flowers, friendship and love?

Sometimes i think my appreciation of friendship and love grew from my love of flowers. Friendship and love are like flowers in our garden - the more flowers receive love (water, sun, nourishment) the more they grow and the more beautiful they become. so it is with friendship and love.  the more we nourish them - through attention, connection, interest, communication, the more they blossom, grow and increase in beauty. it's like the saying by Hans Christian Andersen...

"Just living is not enough... one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower."

The other day, I felt so good, I bought myself a huge bouquet of  flowers. It was wonderful and special because I love flowers. I love their colors and textures. I love their shapes and sizes. I love the ones with a scent and the ones without. I… just love flowers. I firmly believe flowers are beauty and we should fill our arms with flowers and our lives with beauty. I also believe love and friendship are beauty and we should fill our lives to overflowing with love and with friends.

I often wonder why I have such an affinity… attraction for flowers. I think it is because surrounding myself with flowers (and plants) is cultivating my own, personal garden. It is my own slice of sunshine, my own patch of happiness, and every time I look at them or water them, I am enhancing my happiness, my sunshine, my paradise. Every time I water them or spray them or feed them, I am nourishing my environment, and in return, they nourish me. In a sense, I am loving that which loves me back.

are you expressing gratitude?

I purchased The Secret, on DVD and on CD when it first came out some yeras ago, Over the yeras I have listened to and watched it many , many times and one of the things that always stands out is the reference to taking time to say thank you.

It stood out because during several of the periods in my life when things have seemed rather hopeless... sometimes, before I lamented and complained, I would say thanks for the things that were going right. I figured it would only take a second and then I could get to the stuff really bugging me. Often, however, I would find so much to be thankful for, I would forget what I wanted to complain about.

The Secret recommends that you take time out each day to say thank you for all the things you are grateful for. When I started watching the DVD, I was at a low in my life and figured I would give it a try - it could only help. So I gave it ago. Today, I still try to find time each day to say thank you. Sometimes first thing in the morning, sometimes just before bed and sometimes all throughout the day. I do believe it has helped me to realize all the things, blessings, miracles, and magic I have in my life - even on days when things truly seem bleak. I still sometimes complain after my thanks, but more often now, I am filled with joy and happiness when I think of all my blessings.

Are you at peace?

How do we bring peace into our lives? The books I have read suggest meditation. It is supposed to ground your spirit, put you more in tune with your body and your inner you and give you peace. I am working on that. I try to meditate as often as I can; lately meditating at least three to four times a week. I find it does keep me more grounded and in tune with the needs of my inner me. I find that I am more at peace when I practice meditation. It does work. The hardest part is just finding or rather carving out time to meditate.

As I think about peace, I think of the people in my life who exude peace and serenity while their lives are in turmoil. When I ask them how this could be, they say they don’t let the turmoil around them touch them. They tell me to let go of the things that make me crazy, to let go of past issues that bring me down. When I tell them it is not so easy, they agree, but say that is what makes it worth it. I am trying to do those things as well - let go of the things that make me crazy. It does work, but it is also not easy...

Thoughtful Thursday - are we growing together?

I have so much in my head and heart to share I am just not sure where to begin. So bear with me if I seem to ramble. That is not my intent. First, a friend implied that when you are friends with a writer/blogger, you take the chance of being part of their writings. I know that to be true and this is proof.

I am reading this book and am at the part where the author seems to be saying that we, as individual and collective egos, seem to need and thrive on competition and conflict. I am not sure I agree since I long for peace in my life. But I am conflicted myself (LOL). You see, I also agree. It seems the closer I get to living the life I long for, the more strife seems to come with the package. It is almost as if the “devil” is aware and doing all he can to prevent me from getting to my small haven of peace and joy and happiness. However, I do not worry any longer - I have vowed to never give up...

My point, I find  there are people in life who are also where I am, either consciously or unconsciously, and they are going through the same things. Where am I? I am here… in the now… being me. I am taking what few steps I can to change my perception of the ego, or at least I am doing my part to be authentically me, the me beneath my ego, my own little bit of awareness.

What am I talking about? Today I had a conversation with someone (let’s call this person B) who, for years, I hated talking to because our conversations always left me angry. B always said something to irk, annoy or irritate me. But lately I have found our conversations to be a blessing. Part of me would like to say B has really changed and that is why our conversations are better. But I know that is only half the story. I have also changed. Together we have changed, and that change has allowed us the ability to talk and share and love together. I am so grateful and blessed.

Where am I going with all this? The other day, B said something I thought was monumental… something profound in its simplicity (it occurs to me that we sometimes miss things in life because we expect significant things to be complicated or monumental when instead, things are sometimes so simple we miss it). To simplify a long conversation, B said that she and her spouse were reading a transformation book together and sharing its lessons together. I thought, WOW! That is what I want. Someone I can share a book with that is supposed to be transforming. That way we transform and grow together. I think relationships often fail because the two do not grow together, the two make no attempts to share all aspects of their lives, where possible, together. I will never forget what B said to me.

When I finally find the person I want to share my life with, I will do the best I can to ensure that it is someone I can share growing and transforming with so that neither of us leaves the other behind. In the meantime, I will work on the relationships I have - family and friends. I will open up, be connected, be vulnerable and share. I will show up  in the relationship to ensure we do not grow apart; to ensure that we grow and transform together

I think this is a moment of clarity of emotion. I think this is profound for me because it is the clarity of emotion I crave. Clearly God/the Universe/the Ultimate Energy/ the Highest Love is giving me the opportunity to receive the thing I ask for and am working towards. I am just glad that I was actually being mindful, actually in the moment… and that I had the discernment to hear and receive.

This week, seek discernment in your life. This week check your relationships. Are you letting people you care about slip away because you are allowing yourself to grow apart from them? If so… and ifthat is not what you want, find ways to include them in your growth. Find ways to get them on the same page as you so that the two of you will be able to share the journey of self-growth (true, inner self-growth) together. Find ways to be open and connected.  Be willing to be vulnerable. Be committed...and while you are doing so, be MINDFUL. ENJOY THE MOMENT!!! And until next time…Take care of you.

The supreme end of education is expert discernment in all things--the power to tell the good from the bad, the genuine from the counterfeit, and to prefer the good and the genuine to the bad and the counterfeit.”

-- Author unknown --

-- written by asd --

Moving On with Loving

That is really what I want to talk about. The immobilization that a bad end to loving can bring about. I have read many books and heard many say that we can control our emotions and that the emotions that others cause us to feel are their story and that, as such, we should be able to let go and move on with our own story. Deep inside, I know it is true - the people who break our hearts are not thinking about us or how we are feeling. Half the time, they don’t even realize that we are still lamenting that thing they said or did. So, if they can move on, we should move on. But to know it and then to believe it and act as if it true is each very different and very hard to do.

More importantly, you would think we would all want to let go of the negative effects of painful endings to love. You would think we would all want to just put them out of our minds - leaving space for the next good relationship. But we don’t. Letting go and moving on is like cleaning out the clothes in one’s closet. First, we have to make time to clean out the closet and there are always so many other things we would rather do. Then, we have to figure out what we are going to do with the things we decide to get rid of, which can be a hassle. Now, if we get past this stage and actually start to go through our closet, that is when the hard part begins. We keep things we no longer wear because we hate parting with things we have invested part of ourselves in. We tell ourselves that either we are actually going to wear that one day because the style is going to come back or we are going to lose those extra pounds. In reality, it is just easier to keep what we have than deal with throwing things out. We forget getting rid of old means making space for new.

can relationships last?

Once your heart awakens to the need to be in relation with others - be a friend, be a lover, be a partner; the search should begin honestly and, you should know, it is a journey. A journey of self discovery as well as a discovery of the type of relationship you want, the type of people you want to be in relationship with and the type of person you are in a relationship. You should first determine what you are doing right as well as what you are doing wrong. Once you have figured that out, the real journey begins and once the real journey begins; you can never go back. From then on, you should be inflamed with a special longing to seek to be the best that you can be. You should never again choose to linger in the lowlands of complacency and partial fulfillment with regards to yourself and with regard to your relationships. While the need to be true to who you are can make you reluctant to compromise on your idea of a perfect relationship, it should not hold you back from striving toward the summit of true relationships … to have happy, healthy, loving, connected giving relationships which last forever, weathering all storms.

Having happy, healthy, loving connected relationships – the kind we choose to keep close to our hearts; the kind that will last for the long haul –means being able to fulfill certain requirements. These types of relationships must be, more often than not, consistent, contributing, self-revealing, and trustworthy.  Be consistent with your time and attention. Don’t just be the receiver of the benefits of the relationship, be a giver as well. Share who you truly are; share your hopes, dreams, secrets, and imperfections. Keep secrets and avoid being judgmental. Avoid constant negativity and toxic behavior. Connect with the person you are in relationship with. Be joyful when you are together and when you think of the people with whom you are in relationship.

Truthfully, you won’t always be all these things all the time, your relationships won't be all of these amazing things all the time, and you can't be in relationships without there being misunderstandings and hurt feelings at times. Striving toward these qualities, however, is the basis of lasting relationships. And isn't that really what we all want - to find people who love us and who we love and to have those relationships stand the test of time and trials and LAST!!!

-- written by asd --
photograph from agewise

Do you solivagant?

So many of us believe we solivagant - wander alone - through the world. we are believers and dreamers. we  are seekers of light and beauty and serenity. we hope eternally and give love easily. we get our hearts broken and yet continue to love. we fall down and pick ourselves up. we get broken open and find ways to heal ourselves all while trying to help and heal others. we wear rose-colored glasses and refuse to take them off... even when the world tries to beat the light out of us.  and when the world does manage to plunges us into darkness, we find a way to turn on our light.

those of us who solivagant need friends who see into our hearts and understand how we try to survive on our own, how we keep our rose-colored glasses close to our hearts and believe things will all work out. we need people who realized we are strong because of our softness and vulnerability and not in spite of. we need people who know we willingly take on the world for those we love and those in need. we need people who will help us to pick up the pieces when our hearts ...again... break open as life reminds us that it can be a cruel task master.

friends help us to laugh at ourselves, see the lighter side of life. friends remind us to look after ourselves and to do for ourselves for a change. friends help us to live in the real world while  allowing us to dream and share our dreams. because we don't just dream for ourselves we have dreams to spare. friends help us to wake from our dreams and return from our wanderings even if we even if only for a little while

so here's to the dreamers and wanderers; know....  you keep the world full of hope and ever aware. here's to their friends ...you remind them they don't dream alone and don't wander without you keeping tabs on where they are. and here's to all of you on your journeys. may you get there together, each in your own way.

They who solivagant

Are free like the wind

Unsoiled by dirt like the lotus

A light in darkness like the moon

But they are only so until caught

Only alone until sought

Quiet until thought

Rushes in where there was naught

But they just wandering alone

-- written by asd --
photographer unknown